inner turmoil

feeling like crap today. i feel like there is a parasite inside me that is eating me up alive. that it is slowly feeding on me. and slowly, i will die too… i ask myself so often why this had to happen to me… i search for an answer but i find none.

slow death

Some days, I feel like I am near death. I’m so close that I feel as though I can smell it and feel it. Sometimes, I just get this feeling that I won’t live for long so I need not worry or fear for my future. When I look at my own family, I feel bad. I feel bad for myself and for my sister. I wish for her and for myself that we could be daughters of other families.

jumpstart my heart

Dragged myself to F Exam this morning. Not sure how I did… Felt like such a scatterbrain throughout the exam. I tried to focus but my thoughts were all over the place. Came home after work, saw his parcel sitting on Reception’s desk. I sat outside my room and opened it. As I tore the envelope, I saw the wrapping paper “Happy Birthday” and teared… There was a plastic folder and inside was a laptop pouch and USB stick. There was also a card inside. The front read “Just a Friendly Reminder to Keep in Touch”. I broke down and cried.

Sometimes, I feel though I am alive… I feel inside, in my heart, I am dead. My heart has turned cold with each unhappy and devastating event in my life. I feel like I am no longer the compassionate person I once was. I have become more calculated and selfish in what I do. Most of the time, before I do something, I always ask myself whether it will benefit me. Really, there is only so much one can take…

I spent more than half an hour sifting through birthday cards at W… I had huge trouble finding one for J’s 21st. There were a couple of sweet friendship cards. There was one in particular that said something like “Do you think we will be friends till we are old ladies and still be giggling?” And the inside read something like “I do.” It was a wonderful card. I was tempted to get it but it is no longer the way I feel. Maybe 4 or 5 years ago, I would have bought that card and given it to someone.

my heart bleeds

I have been sleeping so much. I have been sleeping, waking up, watching telly and surfing the Internet, heading back to bed and the pattern continues. I’m not getting any or much studies done. Since finding out about it at the beginning of this year, my perspective on life has changed. I focus more on trying to be happy. If I’m going to feel good eating something, I will buy it. If I’m going to feel happy, buying a dress, I will buy it. If I feel unhappy studying, I don’t push myself so much anymore.

Sometimes, I don’t see the point going to counselling. I just don’t see how talking repeatedly about my past, fears and problems is going to help. I believe that I just have to accept this sad life I was given and suck it up. On the other hand, it pains me to have to keep quiet and accept this. I fear it will destroy me inside. Often, I think that if my life doesn’t improve in the next few years, I will probably end my life. For, I don’t want to live such a miserable life. They say that “Life is what you make of it”. I don’t believe it. All my life, I have tried to be strong and accepted my own fate and gone on. I wonder how much longer I can do this. I lie in bed with tears streaming down my face and I think about my past… I wish I can come out of this rut soon stronger but only time will tell.

Everytime he tries to e-mails me or communicate with me, I have to bite my tongue. I have nasty nasty things to say. But I am afraid so long as I am still at University (with no real earning capacity) and having to still live at home, I will be silent. I am also afraid for Mum and sis for they are still dependent on him. Once I graduate, I can move out and get by  but I don’t know whether I can support Mum and needless to say, sis. And while I still have to live under the same roof as him, to an extent, I live in fear. I fear if I say anything really nasty to incur his wrath, he will hit me. I don’t forget that he has a brown belt in karate. I don’t forget those bruises I saw either.

I feel like if someone were to put a gun to my head. I won’t fight. I have simply lost the will to live.

Update: Just had a long crying spell after writing the above entry and upon finding out that the Wel… problem questions weren’t posted on BB. I wish I didn’t have to live with this and with my past. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t the one that had to find out about it and instead, Mum would be the one. That way, I don’t have to figure out whether to tell her. I think about moving out after I graduate. It is selfish but part of me doesn’t care. I’m not going to be dragged down by all this shit anymore.

“The strongest people in this world are the ones that find strength within themselves and not from others.” Regardless what situation you are in, as long as you have some form of support, you already have a headstart over others that have the haul themselves out of a shithole.

i can’t sleep. i think about what i am going to do when i head home next month. i think and worry about whether i will pass my papers and graduate on time. i dare not think so far. i’m trying to focus on passing my papers and graduating. it is what keeps me going. i dare not think too far. if i do, it will overwhelm me and i will give up. i will give up on myself, on this life.

take me away

Another one of those shitty days. Received W… back and I just made it. I don’t know whether I should be thankful that at least I passed or upset that I received such demoralising remarks on my script.

I don’t know what is happening to me. I feel lost. I feel like no one in this world cares about me. I’m probably right no one does. We are all self-interested individuals only wishing to satisfy ourselves at the expense of others. But how can I blame others for the way they are when I am no different. So I have to trudge along and go on alone. There is no other way is there?

I wonder why does misfortune befall on innocent people? Is there a reason? Why does an innocent kid have to starve? Why did I have to grow up in such a f*cked up family? Did I do something despicable in my previous life and have returned to pay my dues? If there was a reason, for what I have/had to go through, it might make the journey more bearable. Just maybe.

I wish I didn’t have to be strong that I could be weak. But knowing what I know, I can’t let myself be weak. Really I’m much more fragile and sensitive than I make out myself to be.

feel my pain

It’s true when they say everyone lets you down at once. True for me at least.

The only thing I’m looking forward right now is completing my degrees and graduating. This thought keeps me going. I will finally have my own earning capacity and hopefully have the opportunity to do what my heart desires. On the other hand, the thought kills me – there is still at least another 6 months to go.

Inside, I hurt, my heart aches and weeps yet outwardly to the world, I am indifferent and sometimes angry. When I see someone in pain on television or read about someone else’s pain that I can relate to, I am more inclined to cry now. Somehow, the way my life has been has given me a different set of eyes of which I view the world. I wonder why there is such pain, loneliness and unhappiness in this world. All of which most of us avert our eyes from. When we are happy, we are too self-centred and self-absorbed to see all this.

I wish I could tell a friend what it is like to be me, what it is like to grow up like me and not have her/him judge me or my family. But sadly, we all judge. We are all selfish. Sometimes, I don’t think I could ever be in a relationship with another person who has had the perfect family because they would have no idea what it is like to grow up in a dysfunctional family. On the other hand, I think it would be nice to be with someone who had the perfect family. For it was what I missed out and how great it would be to be welcomed and be part of one.

I had my third counselling session this afternoon. I don’t feel so crappy today. It feels strange sitting in my counsellor’s office, talking about things that I have buried and kept close to my heart for years and crying. I crave to be normal but a part of me thinks that I never will be.

All that has happened somehow has given me a new perspective on life. Growing up, I always wanted to have a prestigious job, drawing a huge salary and leading the high life. But money doesn’t buy happiness. It can probably buy temporal happiness. I derive temporal happiness from my shopping and food (which money can buy). Now, I’m focusing on finding my niche. I want to do something I would love and enjoy. Part of me cannot imagine myself married and with kids – as much as I wish to have it given that it was something I have been deprived of. Work will probably play a significant part of my life so I wish to do something that I love and enjoy.

I should be in my L lecture right now but I’m not. There’s about 4 weeks till exams and I think I’m starting to get worried that I might fail some papers this semester. I guess I should put all my problems, issues and worries aside for the next 6 weeks (4 weeks to exams + 2 weeks of exams) for now. I want to graduate next year in February as planned. I don’t want anything else to affect me.